Phases of Divorce Grief: A Compassionate Guide for Women

GRIEF

Divorce is one of the most profound losses a woman can experience. It marks the end of a relationship that once held dreams, security, and companionship. The emotional upheaval that comes with it can feel overwhelming, and often, women find themselves navigating the phases of divorce grief similar to that of losing a loved one.

Grieving a divorce is a deeply personal process, but understanding the five stages of grief, as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and learning how to manage them can provide clarity and support during this difficult time. The denial stage, as an initial emotional response to divorce, acts as a natural defense mechanism, allowing individuals to shield themselves from the full emotional impact of their relationship ending. Remember, you are not alone, and healing is possible. With the right tools and support, you will emerge stronger and more resilient.

Understanding the Grief Process

1. THE GRIEF PROCESS: AN OVERVIEW

The grief process is a complex and highly individualized experience that can be triggered by various life events, including divorce. When a marriage ends, it can be a devastating blow, leading to a range of emotions and reactions. Understanding the grief process can help individuals navigate this challenging time and find a way to heal and move forward.

The grief process typically involves a series of stages, which were first identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While not everyone experiences all of these stages, and the order may vary, they provide a useful framework for understanding the emotional journey that many people face during the divorce process.

It’s essential to recognize that grief is a unique and personal experience, and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. The grieving process can be influenced by various factors, including the circumstances of the divorce, the individual’s mental health, and their support system.

Seeking support from a mental health professional can be incredibly helpful during this time. A therapist or divorce coach can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to process emotions, explore coping strategies, and work through the challenges of the divorce process.

In the following sections, we will delve deeper into each stage of the grief process, exploring the common emotions and reactions that people may experience during each stage. We will also discuss the importance of self-care, emotional support, and seeking professional help during this challenging time.

Stages of Grief in Divorce

While grief is not linear, and people experience it in different ways, many women going through a divorce encounter the following stages. Knowing what to expect during the stages of grief in divorce can help you make sense of your emotions and find ways to cope.

1. DENIAL: “THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING”

Denial often comes first, serving as a defense mechanism against the painful reality of divorce. The initial shock can cause confusion and denial, helping to ease the overwhelming emotional pain. You may find yourself questioning if things could still be worked out or feeling numb to the situation altogether. This stage is your mind’s way of protecting you from being overwhelmed by emotions all at once.

How to Cope:

• Acknowledge that denial is a natural response.
• Start journaling your thoughts to gain clarity.
• Allow yourself time to process the reality of your situation.

2. ANGER: “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?”

As denial fades and the phases of divorce grief continue, the anger stage often takes its place. This anger can be directed at your ex, yourself, or even the universe. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, or resentful, especially if the divorce was not your choice.

How to Cope:

• Find healthy outlets for anger, such as exercise, creative activities, or writing.
• Avoid making impulsive decisions based on anger.
• Consider working with a therapist or divorce coach to process these emotions constructively.

3. BARGAINING: “WHAT IF I HAD DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY?”

According to an article written in Women’s Health Magazine, in this bargaining stage, you may find yourself replaying events and wondering if you could have saved the marriage by changing something—your actions, words, or decisions. This is an attempt to regain control over a situation that feels uncontrollable.

How to Cope:

• Recognize that the past cannot be changed, but the future is within your power.
• Shift your focus from “what if” to “what now?”
• Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that relationships take two people; you are not solely responsible.

4. DEPRESSION: “I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE”

This stage is often the most challenging during the phases of divorce grief. The reality of divorce sets in, and you may feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness, often referred to as the depression stage. Depression during divorce can be debilitating if left unaddressed.

It is important to distinguish between natural sadness and clinical depression. While temporary sadness is a normal part of the grieving process, clinical depression is characterized by persistent and daily symptoms that disrupt daily life. If feelings of depression do not subside over time, seeking professional help is crucial.

How to Cope:

• Allow yourself to grieve without guilt—cry, rest, and reflect as needed.
• Seek support from a therapist, divorce coach, or support group.
• Engage in small, daily acts of self-care, even when you don’t feel like it. You’d be surprised at how much better you can feel after something as simple as sitting in the sun (even by a window) with a book or a journal.

5. ACCEPTANCE: “I AM READY TO MOVE FORWARD”

Acceptance does not mean that the pain disappears completely, but it does mean that you have made peace with the past and are ready to embrace the future. In this stage, you begin to reclaim your sense of self and look ahead with hope.

How to Cope:

• Set new personal goals and create a vision for your future.
• Celebrate small victories in your healing process.
• Embrace new experiences that help you grow and redefine yourself.

Managing Grief in a Healthy Way

Moving through the phases of divorce grief is a journey, but there are steps you can take to make the process more manageable and foster healing along the way. Emotional pain is a significant aspect of the grieving process, often manifesting through profound sadness and feelings of denial.

1. DON’T ISOLATE YOURSELF—REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT FROM A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL

One of the biggest mistakes women make during the stages of grief during divorce is isolating themselves out of shame, sadness, or fear of burdening others. However, healing happens in connection, not in isolation.

• Lean on trusted friends and family for support.
• Join a divorce support group to share your experience with others who understand.
• Seek professional help from a therapist or divorce coach who specializes in navigating this transition.

2. PRIORITIZE YOUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Divorce takes a toll on your mental well-being, and self-care is crucial during this time.

• Talk it Out: A therapist or divorce coach can help you process emotions, develop coping strategies, and work through grief in a healthy way.
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Practices such as deep breathing, journaling, or guided meditation can help you regain emotional balance. Try using an app like Calm or Headspace. They’re affordable and a good way to learn how to meditate and make it a daily habit. 
• Exercise and Movement: Physical activity releases endorphins, which help reduce stress and improve mood. I’ve been a runner for most of my life, and it has saved me more than once in times of emotional distress. Getting out and running for 20 minutes at a super-slow pace can help you, too.

3. ESTABLISH A NEW ROUTINE

Creating structure in your life can provide stability during uncertain times.

• Set a daily schedule, even if it’s simple (wake up, exercise, eat nutritious meals, engage in a relaxing activity).
• Find hobbies or interests that bring you joy and fulfillment. I love reading and belong to a book club. You would be surprised to learn how many people started reading as a coping mechanism during a really hard time in their lives, and it actually became a habit. 
• If children are involved, focus on maintaining a sense of normalcy and consistency for them.

4. AVOID UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS

In the midst of grief, it can be tempting to numb the pain with unhealthy habits such as excessive drinking, emotional eating, or engaging in rebound relationships. While these may provide temporary relief, they do not lead to true healing.

• Instead of numbing, face your emotions head-on with support from loved ones or professionals.
• Remember that healing is a process that takes time—be patient with yourself.

5. START REDEFINING YOUR IDENTITY AND FUTURE

You are more than a wife or partner—you are a whole, capable, and valuable individual with dreams and potential beyond this chapter of your life.

• Explore new interests and passions that make you feel alive.
• Consider taking a class, changing careers, or traveling to a place you’ve always wanted to visit.
• Write down affirmations or create a vision board to help you focus on the life you are creating.

Final Thoughts: Finding Hope After Divorce and the Healing Process

Divorce grief is a profound and complex process, but you do not have to go through it alone. By acknowledging your emotions, seeking support, and taking intentional steps toward healing, you will emerge from this experience stronger, wiser, and more in tune with yourself than ever before. Reaching the final stage of acceptance and finding clarity is crucial for a healthy transition to the next chapter in life.

Every ending is also a beginning. This is your opportunity to rebuild your life on your own terms—to rediscover who you are, what you want, and what makes you truly happy. Understanding the phases of divorce grief as a framework for your emotional experiences can help you navigate this journey. Healing is not about forgetting the past but about learning from it and using those lessons to shape a brighter future.

You are resilient and worthy of love, peace, and joy, and you will get through this—one step at a time. Do you need some support during this season of your life? I’d love to see how I can help you. Feel free to set up a free (no-pressure) 30-minute consultation with me to discuss how I can help.